She appears late at night when my heavy eyes are closed tight. She is persistent during these times and continues to nudge and taunt until my eyes are feather light and opened once more. Once awake, She leads me into the cold and quiet kitchen, which She quickly fills with her light and energy. She probes and questions me. She cares for me and challenges me like no other. She keeps me company, but tires of me easily. And just like that, after luring me from my slumber, She will leave me sitting at the kitchen table in the deadly silence, alone.
She gives so much of herself, but She is unaware that She is also capable of taking just as much. We could spend weeks or months together enjoying each others’ company in a state of complete bliss and then, without warning, She will disappear, as She always seems to do, for any length of time.
In her absence, I’m left searching and cursing her. I hate myself for being so reliant on someone as unpredictable as She. I swear to myself that the next time She shows up, I will not accept her. I tell myself that the next time She disappears and then reappears months later, I will teach her a lesson and not even stir at the sight of her. She is unreasonable. She is inconsiderate. She is never there when she is needed.
I’m told that there are “therapies” of sorts that will help to invite her into my life at a regular basis, but this takes months, sometimes years, of practice. People tell me to cherish the moments I have with her and not dwell on our time spent apart.
My own mind is telling me that I’ve humanized her to the point of oblivion. “This is not a relationship,” I keep telling myself… There is no rationale or two-way street with concepts. Under no circumstance can She be considered a she.
Thisisit 